Joke Thread

[fabric1601]

Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

[NeakD]

So theres this ventriloquist, and he's going about his act and his dummy is making some real zingers of blond jokes, when suddenly a buxom blonde beauty stands up in the audience and yells "HOW DARES YOU? WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO JUDGE MY WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING?!" The ventriloquist starts to stammer out an excuse when she interrupts and says, "You stay out of it! This is between me and the twerp in your lap!"

[Nex]

There was a magician who performed every night on a cruise ship. The captain of this cruise ship absolutely loved to go to the magicians shows.

The captain also owned a parrot, that would accompany him to the magic shows. However, the parrot was so smart, it revealed all of the magicians secrets.

"It's in his sleeve! *sqwak*"
"It's under his hat! *squak*"

One day the magician SNAPPED, and pulled out a pistol and aimed for the bird.

He missed and hit a propane tank, and blew the ship to pieces. All that was left was the magician and the parrot, floating on pieces of wood in the ocean.

The parrot says to the magician:

"Alright, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"

[Computer_Head]

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

Oh my God," his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over early and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.

"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"